August 15, 2013

My maternity leave officially ends on Monday, and today is Thursday.  I'm so sad; I'm heartbroken.  I'm trying to be strong.  I know I've done this before, and I have no choice.  Lucia has grown into a smart and funny, confident and easygoing child.  I know Lorenzo will be okay.  He will be with his sister all day, and she has assured me that she will hold his hand, help with diapers/bottles, kiss him.  She will be his big sister and his friend.  It does help a little to know she is there but I'm still so sad.  I can't imagine how hard it will be to leave them both there and drive away.  I am trying to think of positives:  I like Miss Cassandra, and I know she won't throw out breastmilk unless she has to.  The kids are together.  I'm not that far away if there is an emergency or if I miss them too much.  Lucia's been really happy there so far.  Still, he's only 8 weeks old today.  It's so heartbreaking to think of leaving him for any length of time.  He's always had me nearby, so close to him.  I've enjoyed our bonding, skin to skin, snuggling, breastfeeding.  I'll miss him and he'll miss me.  How did this time pass so fast?  It's cruel.  Also I am not looking forward to getting us all out the door in the morning, being coherent enough for work, pumping at work, the dinner/bedtime routine.  Feeling overwhelmed and anxious about all of the logistics.  I know somehow we will manage, and I know some day it will feel like second nature, it will get easier to leave him.  But right now, yeah, it just sucks.  I'm trying to not think about it but it's approaching fast and I have to. I know many of us are working moms, and we've all been through it.  That first day though - wow, it's going to hurt like hell.