August 7, 2013

Lorenzo is 7 weeks old.  I finally had my postpartum appointment with the OB and through some miracle avoided the pelvic exam.  I had given that some level of anxiety and because of my insurance get to postpone it a few more months.  Finally feeling a little bit like myself - was able to go out and exercise, take Lorenzo for a walk around the neighborhood.  He slept and snored, so I'm assuming he enjoyed it thoroughly.  It was't too hot here, cloudy but not with a threat of rain.  It was good to get out for a bit.  I do feel a bit sore now but no pain at the time.  I'll just have to ease into moving more and more.  It's hard to be patient, it's not one of my strong points.  Yet, as I constantly remind Lucia lately, it's important to be patient.  She finishes one thing and is so ready to be on to the next.  She barely pauses in between to breathe and hates cleaning up what she was doing - mealtime, playtime, etc.  She's on to the next.  She loves discussing her schedule with me - always thinking ahead:  "first I'll eat dinner, then play for a bit, then take a bath, and then... what next mommy?"  As I was weighed at this appointment, it is challenging to not dwell on that number, obsess over that high number.  As I get undressed every day I stare with more shock and horror than anything else at my own reflection.  I try so hard to not express this aloud to anyone, especially to Lucia.  I don't want her to have body shame, or at least not give her any from me.  If she picks it up i want to help her fight it and not add to the equation.  My mother was always making me feel awful about how I looked, very critical of herself and of me.  If I teach her nothing else, I will make it my mission to raise her to be accepting of her body and although she will feel insecure, especially during puberty (everyone does), I want to keep these anxieties at a normal level.  No self loathing or hatred.  So with that in mind, I remember when she saw me changing on Monday and saw my saggy tummy and she just said baby's out now, he's on the bed.  This was my opportunity to show her that yes, baby was in there and now he's out.  And that's the focus.  I didn't use the "fat" word, just watched her try to wrap her head around it - belly was so big, full of an active, growing baby, and now he was out, sleeping on my bed, breathing, with a head full of hair and cute smiling lips.  I tried to remember that miracle is the point, the reason for it all.  Yes, my body's changed, and here is my chance to show Lucia how you can handle these things in a healthy way.  Focus on the end result - this beautiful, healthy baby boy.  This has become my mission of late.  The more I try to exude a level of confidence and acceptance, I hope that she picks up on it, even in some degree.  I hope I never use the word fat about myself around her, but at least fake it when I have to.  Fake it until I make it.  It's not phony, it's what you do, put on a brave face, convince your daughter and in the process start to make yourself believe it.  I try to see my saggy belly and heavier body with more compassion and acceptance.  It's not easy.  I can reassure myself that I lost the weight after Lucia and I will again.  That it was all worth it to grow these beautiful children.  My life is full of so much more love since Lorenzo was born.  It's multiplied, and today is one of the first days where I feel more awake even though I'm sleep deprived.  I feel more myself again, even though I'm sore from a short walk.  I'm getting better and putting Lorenzo down to take a nap by himself, instead of snuggling 24/7 and being reluctant to let him go for even a minute.  I get even more happy when he awakens and is ready for a snuggly feeding and some post feeding smiles and giggles.  My leave is almost over and it's sad, but I'm grateful for this time, for just time to lie here and stare at him and kiss him and snuggle with him, smell his baby smell and hold him close.  I got through it before and it will totally suck but I'll get through it.  It's not worth making myself feel lousy - it is not my ideal but it's life, and I'll get through it, trying to show Lucia a strong example along the way.