Wow, I'm still alive. I'm getting through it one minute at a time. Lately my life feels like a juggling act, and I'm somehow getting through it. I feel every day like I've run a marathon by the time I get to work and then I'm expected to work a full day and go through similar amount of crazy juggling when my work day is done. I have no idea how I do this. I am still not sure how to do it. I'm so glad I'm breastfeeding, but it is SO hard. It is so time consuming. I'm grateful for it because it's my snuggle baby time, but it's tough. After work he wants to just eat and eat and eat. There is little I can do while breastfeeding, though I'm getting better at it. I can eat with one hand, balance him in the other. He's bigger and easier to balance with one hand now. I used to only be able to read to Lucia while breastfeeding. Otherwise she was on her own. Meals and bed/bathtime had to be done around Lorenzo feeding. It's been a blur - partly because my eyesight is blurry at times due to fatigue, partly due to just how fast time flies.
It's a wonder I'm able to update at all, and I'm trying to. I hope to. There is so much I wish I could document - maybe I should take dictation and hire someone to transcribe it. I could record voice memos on my iPhone and put into typing. This is already my 4th week back at work, and it's hard. It's really hard. I rush like crazy in the morning, trying to just get it all, not forget anything, rush my daughter when I just want to curl in bed and snuggle her. Rush around after nursing Lorenzo when I just want time to stand still so I can cuddle him and enjoy the closeness. Work is so busy and I feel badly that I run out when my day is over. I run to my car, usually with tears in my eyes, tears of both sadness at missing my kids and tears of joy that I will see them FINALLY soon. I feel guilty that my heart/head aren't in my job, but they aren't. I hope that it's not obvious, I really try so hard. I'm busy and trying to stay on top of things, but the level of enthusiasm, it's so hard to fake. I go and pump 3x a day and when I'm there and things slow down, I cry. I break down. I am not sure if it's just all of it hitting me, no distractions, hormones, or just the act of simulating an intimate act with my baby in a sterile office room which locks but is right next to people on conference calls. I hate pumping. I forgot how much I hate pumping. I'm glad Lorenzo has done so well with bottles, and I do it for him, but my god I hate it. I love on weekends just nursing. When people say I should just bring a bottle I'm so grateful not to. I prefer to just feed him even if it's not the easiest feat to manage, I prefer it to bottle feeding and pumping in the car. I can just snuggle him under a nursing cover or blanket and feed him. No bottles to wash, pump parts, my supply regulated by his needs. It works. I miss the ease of that relationship he and I share.
But... I am getting through it. I'm hoping the fog fades or that my eyes learn to adjust so that I can see more clearly. I'm doing it. I try to do the best that I can. I try to savor little moments with Lucia when it's just the two of us - bathtime, nighttime, car rides, diaper/potty time. Little moments in between. I wish I could record them and replay them later so I wouldn't be too sleep deprived to remember them. I try to commit to memory her sweet almost-three year old voice singing Twinkle Twinkle, her yells in protest of my singing along with the radio, her excitement of a plane flying overhead or, better yet, more than one "Look, mommy, there's two of them!", the cute gestures, the way she imitates what I do with Lorenzo with her baby - diapers, nose sucking, dressing, nursing, putting in bouncer, even pumping milk - putting a bottle under her shirt and saying, "look, I pumping milk for baby like mommy does!" She is amazing, and sometimes I feel big twinges/pangs of mommy guilt, that I'm not patient enough, not attentive enough. That I don't make enough time for her, for one on one with her. That I'm tired and distracted. I try to put my phone down, to fully be present and awake, to read that 2nd book with her even if I can barely keep my eyes open. I try to stick around so she can read the book to me after I read to her even if I have things to attend to. I try to always be excited and use silly voices when I read, even if I've read a particular book 50x already. I'm trying. She's turning 3 on Friday, and I hope we are planning a special day. I hope she always knows that I love her beyond words. She is my miracle baby and I cannot imagine my life without her. As crazy as things are I'm so grateful. I hope that I can carve out more time for the two of us. I miss her. In the meantime I'll take what I can get. I will keep trying to do what I can and not beat myself up if I can't or if she melts down (or I do) and she goes to bed screaming. Life is unpredictable if anything. All we can do is our best.
Lorenzo... he's growing so big, so fast. I really need time to slow down. Is he really 12 weeks tomorrow?? He's huge, long and mix of lean/chubby, lots of rolls, his head is enormous. He's so silly, so handsome, so smiley. His smile can melt your heart. He gives these big grins with his chubby cheeks and chins and it's amazing. He is more and more awake and alert, and loves to sit there and take it all in. He's trying to grab for things, push up on hands. He's going to be a fast mover, I can just tell. More amazing than I could have imagined is the love between siblings. I'm so in awe of this relationship, this bond, and it is so beautiful to watch. Lucia is not gentle, she's way too rough most of the time, but she is so loving, so affectionate, so comforting. She loves her "buddy/bud". She tells me how much she loves him, helps with diapers, jumps in to soothe and comfort him when he cries. I feel badly that I push her away a lot of times because he's JUST fallen asleep/calmed down. She just wants to kiss him. I don't want to discourage this, but until she is a bit more gentle, i have to literally jump in between them. There are worse things I'm sure. An overly loving sister is an incredible blessing. I'm very blessed, every day. These are the thoughts that I keep ever present in the front of my mind. This way any negative thoughts about my less than perfect postpartum body get pushed further back.
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