October 28, 2013

Trying to be more consistent here... life is so crazy lately.

My new goal is to post weekend summaries on Monday.  This gives me something positive to focus on and to keep track of all of the little things more consistently (hopefully).

This past weekend was gorgeous.  Weather was perfect.  We planned another trackside picnic.  Had a relaxing Saturday morning at home and got ready to go on time, were out the door as planned, which is huge accomplishment, makes me feel proud of us.  Of course Enzo started crying as we got in the car- he hates his car seat, but chilled out and both kids were napping 1/2 hour in.  Got to spot, laid out blanket, food.  Enzo really didn't seem to mind the train horns at all.  Never cried, nursed in car because there was some set up for a fall festival outside and wanted privacy, napped on my lap.  Lucia had a blast.  It was really nice, made me think we should try to squeeze in a few more picnics while it's warm and light out.  Lucia has a blast and Enzo loves being outside.  And Chris obviously enjoys the trains.

Baked a ghost cake for Lucia on Sat night.  She saw the ghost cake pan and has asked about it like 20x a day since.  She was so excited for it and lived up to her end of the deal by eating her dinner, two bowls of soup last night.

Sunday we all slept in a bit.  It's been hard to get up and go because we had such a busy day on Sat and all of us are kind of fighting colds at the moment.  We had a nice morning, Lucia even helped me make soup for dinner while Enzo took his morning nap. She had such a blast - standing on the chair next to me, chopping the veggies in the chopper, and telling me how she loves these vegetables, even stealing pieces off my cutting board, narrating it as she went "i'm taking a piece of this yummy celery.  mmmmm, i love celery, mommy don't i"  She did get tired while the veggies sauteed, so she took a plate of celery and carrots and hummus to the table to sit and snack.  Enzo really has taken short naps and has been very hungry - another growth spurt perhaps?  He got up as soup was being prepared and was excited to sit and watch football.  Lucia loves reading all of the food, design magazines lately, even telling me every time she sees a meat recipe, that she doesn't eat meat, she eats vegetables and tofu.  She always picks the same 2-3 magazines, loves reading to and showing Lorenzo as well.  We took pictures of them on the couch and in most shots, Enzo is looking off to the football game while Lucia poses with silly faces.

Turns out Lucia and Chris had another impromptu train trip to see the Lackawanna heritage unit (I think) and she was in heaven.  They had a really nice afternoon together, the two of them.  I didn't want to get Enzo up and had someone coming over who I donate breastmilk to.  I had accumulated a lot in the freezer to pass on.  I'm so glad Lucia has such a loving dad and that they have such a sweet bond.  She had a great time.  I had some quiet time with Enzo, and he and I took a long walk with him in the Beco.  It was lovely - 70's and sunny.  I had a relaxing time with him.  We came home, cuddled and laughed and just had some baby time.

For dinner, Lucia loved her soup and ghost cake, got to try on her pink princess Halloween costume which looks adorbs but I think it's a bit itchy so she'll need to wear something underneath.  I hope she doesn't fight me on that and we have a fun time.  Also hope Enzo is awake/cooperative - my little Batman baby.

October 18, 2013 (just a little bit late...)

Lorenzo is 4 months old.  Holy wowzers.

His monthly little letter below:

October 18, 2013

Dear Lorenzo,

You are 25.25” and almost 15 lbs!  You are growing so fast.  I need you to slow down.  You have such a hearty appetite.  My milk supply is very high and this is probably from your nonstop feeding all weekend.  Your hair was thinning on the top except for your little Mohawk and now it’s coming back in, fuzzy, brand new dark hair.  We still can’t tell what color your eyes are – sometimes hazel, sometimes green, gray.  Your lashes are so long and your smile is contagious.  You are so giggly, so vocal lately, cooing all the time.  I hear you just laying there talking, making sweet baby sounds.  You nap less and less and are awake and alert.  You love to sit up on the couch, pull yourself forward to practice sitting by yourself.  You have excellent head/neck strength.  Lucia is so happy to see you, and your face lights up when you hear her voice.  You look for her.  you look for Daddy too.  You are so interested in all that is going on.  You love being outside and looking all around, taking it all in.  you have so much to say and can’t wait to tell us all about it.  You are healthy, you’ve had a few sniffles, but nothing major.  You are strong and seem to fight off any small colds easily.  I love watching you and lucia together, such cute little brother and sister pair.  You are such a joy, and I can’t believe it’s been almost one year since my positive pregnancy test confirmed you were on the way.  Love you so much!!

September 18, 2013 (a little delayed)

Dear Lorenzo,

You are already 13lbs 9oz!  You are growing so big, so fast.  I can’t keep up.  You are finally, now as of this past weekend, much less of the tiny baby who nuzzled and ate and slept and pooped.  You are alert more and more, discovering your hands and feet.  You love to grab at things – toys, necklaces, Lucia’s hair.  You are my healthy, growing boy.  Your smiles are so beautiful, they light up your whole face.  You smile with every muscle in your face.  You glow.  You make anyone smile back at you even wider.  You are rolling side to side, can’t wait to be mobile.  Lucia loves to show you toys, dangle them in your face for you to grab.  You love your activity mat, getting down on the floor.  You love to use the floor gym at Miss Cassandra’s.  You are laughing, giggling, starting to make more sounds.  You had your first ear infection, which was awful.  You were obviously in pain, had low fevers.  I hated to see you suffer.  Your first round of antibiotics, I hope this isn’t the start of a trend here.  Lucia had chronic infections and had to have tubes put in her ears at 18 months.  I hope you don’t but if you do it’s ok, too.  You are generally happy and easygoing if you are healthy.  We are still breastfeeding, you have a healthy appetite.  I’m pumping at work and always have more than enough milk for you to enjoy the next day.  Your hair is so cute, you still have your little Mohawk, all the way down the back of your head, so thin in front but big puff of Mohawk on the top.  You are such a cute baby, so full of giggle and cuddles.  I miss you all day and adjusting to being back at work has been so sad.  I am always so happy to see you and Lucia after a long day.

I love you, my little boy!

Love, mama

September 16, 2013

September 16, 2013

Lucia turned 3 years old on Friday!  The years have passed so quickly.  I'm infinitely proud of her.  She is such a miracle.  She wasn't even talking last year on her birthday, and now she is ahead of the game, speaking in complex sentences, putting thoughts together and forming her own opinions on everything, telling elaborate stories.  She has a wild imagination.  She is so sweet with her brother, such a loving and proud big sister.  We had a Hello Kitty cake that I am pretty proud to say I baked and decorated.  We bought her a big girl bike with training wheels - a Disney Princess purple and pink bike.  So many big girl items this year - really makes her growing up feel real and hits me so hard - big girl bed set, now bike, and oh yeah, POTTY TRAINING.  We just started the no diapers, cold turkey method at daycare and at home and it's been challenging, but I mean, why not.  We're not busy or anything.  There will never be an easy time, and she's ready to start.  She was so proud the first time she used the potty, grinned ear to ear.  She's making progress.  After work is crazy - her on/off potty, cleaning up accidents, making dinner, getting organized after work and before the next day, breastfeeding a demanding baby... but somehow it gets done.  We are a pretty tight ship.  Nerves get fried and we are stretched thin, on little sleep, but we do pretty well.  A lot of it is passing the torch, running on to the next task, shuffling back, switching.  It's not easy, it's not for the weak.  I keep telling myself it will be easier one day, but I don't know that it ever gets easier.  I think it just changes, the level of busy, the kind of busy.  And Lucia can be tough - it's her age.  She's so independent, strong willed.  I love that about her, but it's challenging at times.  She's recently entered the "why" phase which is always interesting.  She's also decided she hates baths after being such a fish I could never get her out.  I think part of it is that she wants to call the shots.  but she was so good on her birthday outing - we went to the train museum and rode on a passenger train.  Her eyes lit up, she hung her head out the window and let the wind blow her hair.  She narrated everything she was passing.  She loved it.  Then we had a picnic by the tracks for more trains and just enjoyed the lovely weather.  Lorenzo had a lot of fun being outside too, loved the fresh air.  I used the Beco and carried him everywhere which is tiring - he's no lightweight!  But he's so snuggly and with the exception of the final stretch, the drive home, he did very well.  Both kids were just so tired at that point.  The highlight included driving with most of the windows down and watching a napkin get blown back and forth (Lucia got a big kick out of this).  

But still, amidst the craziness, there is such beauty.  I love these children so much.  They are the reason I do everything, and they are the drivers of every decision.  And seeing them together, as rough as Lucia can (unintentionally) be at times, there is so much love there.  She repeatedly tells me how much she loves him and how cute and sweet he is.  She helps out at daycare with bottles and diapers.  They are already so close it's heartwarming, makes all of the stress worth it.  The way he watches her, looks at her, smiles at her.  She has his attention any time she is near.  And that is so precious.  It's something I wish I had with my siblings.  It's what matters most.  Until I see them in an hour, I will be back to work activities, but I cannot wait.  Even though it will be the same dance of chaos and it's loud and sometimes messy, everything always gets done.  I have that sense of reassurance despite the sheer insanity at times.  

September 9, 2013

Wow, I'm still alive.  I'm getting through it one minute at a time.  Lately my life feels like a juggling act, and I'm somehow getting through it.  I feel every day like I've run a marathon by the time I get to work and then I'm expected to work a full day and go through similar amount of crazy juggling when my work day is done.  I have no idea how I do this.  I am still not sure how to do it.  I'm so glad I'm breastfeeding, but it is SO hard.  It is so time consuming.  I'm grateful for it because it's my snuggle baby time, but it's tough.  After work he wants to just eat and eat and eat.  There is little I can do while breastfeeding, though I'm getting better at it.  I can eat with one hand, balance him in the other.  He's bigger and easier to balance with one hand now.  I used to only be able to read to Lucia while breastfeeding.  Otherwise she was on her own.  Meals and bed/bathtime had to be done around Lorenzo feeding.  It's been a blur - partly because my eyesight is blurry at times due to fatigue, partly due to just how fast time flies. 

It's a wonder I'm able to update at all, and I'm trying to.  I hope to.  There is so much I wish I could document - maybe I should take dictation and hire someone to transcribe it.  I could record voice memos on my iPhone and put into typing.  This is already my 4th week back at work, and it's hard.  It's really hard.  I rush like crazy in the morning, trying to just get it all, not forget anything, rush my daughter when I just want to curl in bed and snuggle her.  Rush around after nursing Lorenzo when I just want time to stand still so I can cuddle him and enjoy the closeness.  Work is so busy and I feel badly that I run out when my day is over.  I run to my car, usually with tears in my eyes, tears of both sadness at missing my kids and tears of joy that I will see them FINALLY soon.  I feel guilty that my heart/head aren't in my job, but they aren't.  I hope that it's not obvious, I really try so hard.  I'm busy and trying to stay on top of things, but the level of enthusiasm, it's so hard to fake.  I go and pump 3x a day and when I'm there and things slow down, I cry.  I break down.  I am not sure if it's just all of it hitting me, no distractions, hormones, or just the act of simulating an intimate act with my baby in a sterile office room which locks but is right next to people on conference calls.  I hate pumping.  I forgot how much I hate pumping.  I'm glad Lorenzo has done so well with bottles, and I do it for him, but my god I hate it.  I love on weekends just nursing.  When people say I should just bring a bottle I'm so grateful not to.  I prefer to just feed him even if it's not the easiest feat to manage, I prefer it to bottle feeding and pumping in the car.  I can just snuggle him under a nursing cover or blanket and feed him.  No bottles to wash, pump parts, my supply regulated by his needs.  It works.  I miss the ease of that relationship he and I share.  

But... I am getting through it.  I'm hoping the fog fades or that my eyes learn to adjust so that I can see more clearly.  I'm doing it.  I try to do the best that I can.  I try to savor little moments with Lucia when it's just the two of us - bathtime, nighttime, car rides, diaper/potty time.  Little moments in between.  I wish I could record them and replay them later so I wouldn't be too sleep deprived to remember them.  I try to commit to memory her sweet almost-three year old voice singing Twinkle Twinkle, her yells in protest of my singing along with the radio, her excitement of a plane flying overhead or, better yet, more than one "Look, mommy, there's two of them!", the cute gestures, the way she imitates what I do with Lorenzo with her baby - diapers, nose sucking, dressing, nursing, putting in bouncer, even pumping milk - putting a bottle under her shirt and saying, "look, I pumping milk for baby like mommy does!"  She is amazing, and sometimes I feel big twinges/pangs of mommy guilt, that I'm not patient enough, not attentive enough.  That I don't make enough time for her, for one on one with her.  That I'm tired and distracted.  I try to put my phone down, to fully be present and awake, to read that 2nd book with her even if I can barely keep my eyes open.  I try to stick around so she can read the book to me after I read to her even if I have things to attend to.  I try to always be excited and use silly voices when I read, even if I've read a particular book 50x already.  I'm trying.  She's turning 3 on Friday, and I hope we are planning a special day.  I hope she always knows that I love her beyond words.  She is my miracle baby and I cannot imagine my life without her.  As crazy as things are I'm so grateful.  I hope that I can carve out more time for the two of us.  I miss her.  In the meantime I'll take what I can get.  I will keep trying to do what I can and not beat myself up if I can't or if she melts down (or I do) and she goes to bed screaming.  Life is unpredictable if anything.  All we can do is our best.

Lorenzo... he's growing so big, so fast.  I really need time to slow down.  Is he really 12 weeks tomorrow??  He's huge, long and mix of lean/chubby, lots of rolls, his head is enormous.  He's so silly, so handsome, so smiley.  His smile can melt your heart.  He gives these big grins with his chubby cheeks and chins and it's amazing.  He is more and more awake and alert, and loves to sit there and take it all in.  He's trying to grab for things, push up on hands.  He's going to be a fast mover, I can just tell.  More amazing than I could have imagined is the love between siblings.  I'm so in awe of this relationship, this bond, and it is so beautiful to watch.  Lucia is not gentle, she's way too rough most of the time, but she is so loving, so affectionate, so comforting.  She loves her "buddy/bud".  She tells me how much she loves him, helps with diapers, jumps in to soothe and comfort him when he cries.  I feel badly that I push her away a lot of times because he's JUST fallen asleep/calmed down.  She just wants to kiss him.  I don't want to discourage this, but until she is a bit more gentle, i have to literally jump in between them.  There are worse things I'm sure.  An overly loving sister is an incredible blessing.  I'm very blessed, every day.  These are the thoughts that I keep ever present in the front of my mind.  This way any negative thoughts about my less than perfect postpartum body get pushed further back.  

August 15, 2013

My maternity leave officially ends on Monday, and today is Thursday.  I'm so sad; I'm heartbroken.  I'm trying to be strong.  I know I've done this before, and I have no choice.  Lucia has grown into a smart and funny, confident and easygoing child.  I know Lorenzo will be okay.  He will be with his sister all day, and she has assured me that she will hold his hand, help with diapers/bottles, kiss him.  She will be his big sister and his friend.  It does help a little to know she is there but I'm still so sad.  I can't imagine how hard it will be to leave them both there and drive away.  I am trying to think of positives:  I like Miss Cassandra, and I know she won't throw out breastmilk unless she has to.  The kids are together.  I'm not that far away if there is an emergency or if I miss them too much.  Lucia's been really happy there so far.  Still, he's only 8 weeks old today.  It's so heartbreaking to think of leaving him for any length of time.  He's always had me nearby, so close to him.  I've enjoyed our bonding, skin to skin, snuggling, breastfeeding.  I'll miss him and he'll miss me.  How did this time pass so fast?  It's cruel.  Also I am not looking forward to getting us all out the door in the morning, being coherent enough for work, pumping at work, the dinner/bedtime routine.  Feeling overwhelmed and anxious about all of the logistics.  I know somehow we will manage, and I know some day it will feel like second nature, it will get easier to leave him.  But right now, yeah, it just sucks.  I'm trying to not think about it but it's approaching fast and I have to. I know many of us are working moms, and we've all been through it.  That first day though - wow, it's going to hurt like hell.

August 7, 2013

Lorenzo is 7 weeks old.  I finally had my postpartum appointment with the OB and through some miracle avoided the pelvic exam.  I had given that some level of anxiety and because of my insurance get to postpone it a few more months.  Finally feeling a little bit like myself - was able to go out and exercise, take Lorenzo for a walk around the neighborhood.  He slept and snored, so I'm assuming he enjoyed it thoroughly.  It was't too hot here, cloudy but not with a threat of rain.  It was good to get out for a bit.  I do feel a bit sore now but no pain at the time.  I'll just have to ease into moving more and more.  It's hard to be patient, it's not one of my strong points.  Yet, as I constantly remind Lucia lately, it's important to be patient.  She finishes one thing and is so ready to be on to the next.  She barely pauses in between to breathe and hates cleaning up what she was doing - mealtime, playtime, etc.  She's on to the next.  She loves discussing her schedule with me - always thinking ahead:  "first I'll eat dinner, then play for a bit, then take a bath, and then... what next mommy?"  As I was weighed at this appointment, it is challenging to not dwell on that number, obsess over that high number.  As I get undressed every day I stare with more shock and horror than anything else at my own reflection.  I try so hard to not express this aloud to anyone, especially to Lucia.  I don't want her to have body shame, or at least not give her any from me.  If she picks it up i want to help her fight it and not add to the equation.  My mother was always making me feel awful about how I looked, very critical of herself and of me.  If I teach her nothing else, I will make it my mission to raise her to be accepting of her body and although she will feel insecure, especially during puberty (everyone does), I want to keep these anxieties at a normal level.  No self loathing or hatred.  So with that in mind, I remember when she saw me changing on Monday and saw my saggy tummy and she just said baby's out now, he's on the bed.  This was my opportunity to show her that yes, baby was in there and now he's out.  And that's the focus.  I didn't use the "fat" word, just watched her try to wrap her head around it - belly was so big, full of an active, growing baby, and now he was out, sleeping on my bed, breathing, with a head full of hair and cute smiling lips.  I tried to remember that miracle is the point, the reason for it all.  Yes, my body's changed, and here is my chance to show Lucia how you can handle these things in a healthy way.  Focus on the end result - this beautiful, healthy baby boy.  This has become my mission of late.  The more I try to exude a level of confidence and acceptance, I hope that she picks up on it, even in some degree.  I hope I never use the word fat about myself around her, but at least fake it when I have to.  Fake it until I make it.  It's not phony, it's what you do, put on a brave face, convince your daughter and in the process start to make yourself believe it.  I try to see my saggy belly and heavier body with more compassion and acceptance.  It's not easy.  I can reassure myself that I lost the weight after Lucia and I will again.  That it was all worth it to grow these beautiful children.  My life is full of so much more love since Lorenzo was born.  It's multiplied, and today is one of the first days where I feel more awake even though I'm sleep deprived.  I feel more myself again, even though I'm sore from a short walk.  I'm getting better and putting Lorenzo down to take a nap by himself, instead of snuggling 24/7 and being reluctant to let him go for even a minute.  I get even more happy when he awakens and is ready for a snuggly feeding and some post feeding smiles and giggles.  My leave is almost over and it's sad, but I'm grateful for this time, for just time to lie here and stare at him and kiss him and snuggle with him, smell his baby smell and hold him close.  I got through it before and it will totally suck but I'll get through it.  It's not worth making myself feel lousy - it is not my ideal but it's life, and I'll get through it, trying to show Lucia a strong example along the way.

July 24, 2013

I'm not very consistent, clearly, but I'd like to recap. Baby #2 is here, and he's a beautiful, happy, healthy boy:  Lorenzo Francis, born 6/18/13, 12:57pm, 8lbs 6oz.  I'd like to capture his birth story, because it is so dramatically different than his sister's.

His csection date was scheduled weeks in advance.  I had decided to opt out of the amnio to be done at 37 weeks and see how he was developing.  I scheduled for 38weeks 4days, Lucia's exact gestation.  I was afraid to go one day later.  I was honestly afraid of going into labor earlier.  I wanted everything to be as planned, no hiccups, no issues, NO surprise.  What I didn't anticipate, however, was how much anxiety would mount prior to that date, with all of the weeks in between scheduling and d-day.  Every day I worried.  I had a daily panic attack, freaking out that movement had surely decreased.  It hadn't.  I would freak out after a particularly busy afternoon, that maybe he'd moved less.  It turns out afternoons are his down times.  That night he would go back to kicking me so hard, I was afraid I'd find bruises in the morning.  He always reassured me.  I would do kick counts and realize that I had one active baby in my belly.  No matter, the next day, I'd find myself in the same predicament:  anxiety, freak out, kick count, reassurance, partial relief of anxiety, night time kickings, less anxiety, bedtime (praying to not go into labor overnight).  Wake up 2 hours later for bathroom break, sip of orange juice, more anxiety and movement analysis.  Repeat until 5am when I'd wake up like clockwork, alarm or not.

The day before he was born, I kept Lucia home with me.  I wanted mommy/daughter time.  I wanted library, ice cream, snuggles, reading, coloring.  It was very hot out and I was so uncomfortable I really couldn't manage much.  That morning her EI teacher was coming over for formal signing of papers to dismiss her from therapies due to her development advances.  When she got to the house, I'd been battling severe anxiety, nausea, low blood sugar.  She was an angel, spent time with Lucia so I could call my doctor, schedule ANOTHER ultrasound just to be sure.  I dropped Lucia off at daycare for 2 hours so I could get there and back with little distraction.  Then she and I went to the library, got ice cream, snuggled on the couch.  I was trying to keep calm, so many emotions... I really felt scared - worried for baby, worried for delivery, worried about how another body would disrupt mine and Lucia's bond, worried about having less time for her.  Worried about how she'd be with her daddy while I was in the hospital, afraid of leaving her so long, afraid I'd not be able to love this new baby as much as her.  Then back to afraid of birth, fears of complications.  I had another freak out that night about movement, called doctor, did a kick count and was reassured.  Tucked Lucia in for the last time as an only child and cried.  Tried to find composure in packing my bags.  I wasn't too worried, because we live near the hospital, and Chris could bring me whatever I needed.  Somehow fell asleep, woke up around 2am and ate a sandwich, because I could.  It was like last call for food until after delivery.

The next morning, woke with butterflies in my stomach and more fears of movement in the shower.  Got Lucia up and fed her breakfast, telling her today was baby day.  She of course had to kiss my belly, talk to baby.  Gave her lots of extra snuggles and cuddles.  More anxiety, but we loaded up the car and off we went.  I had to be at the hospital at 10am and we dropped her off at daycare, I teared up at our goodbye and hoped she would forgive me for adding on to our family, hoped she knew how much I loved her.  She acted like it was business as usual, said goodbye and off we went.  Got to the hospital and started to worry now about the actual surgery.  Oh yeah, I was having a baby and now I had time to think about all of the things the nurse was telling me - needles, numbing, side effects.  They put fetal monitors on when I first arrived and after 45 minutes or so removed them.  They said he was doing so well; they weren't worried.  Um.  Ok, just go with it and trust them.  Oh and then they decided to start surgery earlier.  Again, go with it, less time to sit and freak out.

Before I had time to analyze and overthink, they wheeled me off to the OR, I took one last photo with Chris, and then they wheeled me in to prep.  Everything moved quickly from that point - talking to anesthesiologist, being numbed up, laying on table, seeing my OB, talking to nurses, finally Chris came in.  I was so numb that I couldn't feel myself breathing and this had to be the scariest feeling.  It felt like one big panic attack.  My OB kept reassuring me that my vitals were great, and yes, I was breathing.  I just stared at the ceiling and told myself, "You are breathing."  Seriously.  This was the only way to keep calm.  The actual delivery moved so much more slowly.  My OB was trying to use the same incision as Lucia's, and there was scar tissue.  He told me everything he was doing as he was doing it, but every few minutes I'd look at Chris and feel so nauseous yet I couldn't feel relief from deep breaths and I couldn't actually vomit because I couldn't feel myself gagging.  I didn't want to turn my head but I tried to periodically do so.  When it was close to delivery and my anxiety was at all time high, Chris whipped out the camera and showed me pics of Lucia from the past weekend.  We distracted ourselves with her cute face and she really was an angel then, helped me stay positive.

Next thing I can remember is my OB asking if we have any last gender guesses.  I felt instinctively he was a boy; Chris guessed girl.  They called to Chris to show him the baby as he came out (screaming and kicking and pink) and Chris told me he was a boy, must have said it about 10x and I'm pretty sure he teared up.  I saw him briefly and they took him to be cleaned up, weighed.  He screamed the entire time.  He was healthy, pink, full of fire and loud as could be.  His apgar was 9 (Lucia's initial one was 2).  Chris got to do all of the typical things including cutting his cord and starting right away with skin to skin in the hospital room while they finished up my surgery.  I felt really sick, shaky, nauseous, but relieved.  No matter what, I would feel better eventually and at least I knew he was here.  Now we had to confirm his name, because Chris was so unconvinced that we'd have a boy, I'm not sure he had given it much thought.  He just looked like a Lorenzo - little italian man with full head of dark spiky/curly hair, chubby cheeks, full of life and energy.  He was brought to nurse soon after I was wheeled into my room, and it was all healthy, beautiful.  We confirmed the name, made phone calls to family to spread the news, took pictures on phones, posted all over facebook.  I had been adamant about not sharing his delivery date in advance.  I really wanted it to be private and then just share the good news without it being put out there for everyone.  And I'm glad, because it was so nice to just share our news and surprise everyone with our announcement.

From that point on, I wasn't worried at all.  I was overcome with love for this perfect little prince.  I couldn't stop looking at him.  I realized in that moment that all of my anxieties had been for nothing.  I only felt love and it felt like my heart only grew bigger, there was no shortage of love.  I would soon realize the time shortage and energy shortage is no joke, but that is to be expected with a breastfeeding infant, feeding on demand (which is truly demanding).  But I'm getting there.  I'm starting to figure it all out, trying to feel okay with putting Lorenzo down for short periods so I can spend time with Lucia, remembering how it feels to be sleep deprived, prioritizing and shifting priorities again, fitting in what I can and being okay with that.  I finally had my healing birth.  I feel proud of myself for not giving up hope that I could have one.  It was challenging towards the end but in the end, we made it.  I think I lay there on his birthday, just staring in awe at this perfect little boy and feeling so full of joy and love.  While I wish I'd had this experience with Lucia, I didn't.  And she has her story and it's only fitting that the day before Lorenzo's birth she was discharged from therapy.  It's all come full circle.  And here we are - us plus two little babies, struggling to find a balance, juggling it all, both of us tired and weary but happy, grateful, blessed.  I feel our little family is now complete.  <3

May 8, 2013

Had a growth ultrasound today.  Baby is measuring 72 percentile which means of 100 pregnant women, 28 have bigger babies, 72 have smaller.  This was my OB's rationale, and his way of just explaining the facts, as logical numbers.  I know I'm doing the best I can.  My blood sugar is going to go haywire in the third trimester.  I've been down this road before.  At least my doctor is understanding.  I had excellent control early on when crucial organs were forming so that is key.  Now I just get worried about complications.  I don't mind baby pudge.  Lucia was 9lbs 3oz.  It's the risks... I try to avoid reading up on what could happen, because I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts and energy.  Lightning can't strike me twice.  What are the odds?  I have a great healthcare team and I know my body.  I know this baby.  This baby is so incredibly active.  ALL THE TIME.  I feel like it's a way of reassuring me that everything is ok.  "see, I'm still moving like a maniac in here, relax ma, I got this" or something.  

Lucia was cute today.  I showed her baby ultrasound pics and explained that was the baby's head and face.  Then I showed her the photo album of her ultrasounds and she was so excited to see her little baby head and face.  She ran around carrying this album all night and showing me the baby and telling me that was her as a baby in my belly.  She's so cute and I love that she's making all of these connections.  

Just trying to focus on all of these little beautiful moments, looking forward to celebrating Mother's Day this weekend just relaxing with my family.  I am very happy to be a mom, very blessed.  I know it's beyond exhausting and wipes me out at times, but I always strive to be a good mom and it's the one thing that always makes me feel fulfilled.  I want to give my children a good solid loving relationship, something I never felt that I had.  I finally have a family and I feel very lucky.

May 6, 2013

I really wish I could be more consistent. I feel like there is so much to capture and time is just flying by.  I read a quote recently and it has stuck with me "the days are long but the years are short".  This is my focus every day, because sometimes the days are sooo long and exhausting, but simple beautiful moments are swallowed up in the speed of time, if you don't stop to just live in them.  Lucia, every day, says so many hilarious and silly and imaginative things.  She's such a little person.  Here last year she still wasn't talking and now more and more - she just sings songs she's learned in daycare including her current faves "wheels on the bus" and "if you're happy and you know it".  She makes up her own lyrics, she sings and dances and is generally genuinely happy.  She loves to talk to my belly and her baby brother/sister, give kisses, asks me to "open" my shirt so she can touch my belly and say hi and goodnight to baby.  She needs to rock with me every night and snuggle and I hold her close and tight and she's still my baby.  I tell her she'll always be my baby girl and she repeats to me over and over that she'll always be my baby.  I love her so much and am so proud of her and so loving just all of this time with her, standing there cooking with me, asking to help.  We unpacked baby things and I was showing her the blanket she was wrapped up in at the hospital, the one I slept with during our days apart, when she was taken to CHOP.  Our matching hospital bracelets.  She doesn't get it and one day I will have a story for her, but she did go on the hospital tour here and she knows baby comes to the 'hosminal".  She used a baby bed and tucked in her baby, gave her a bottle, burped her.  She's my little mama.  I love these moments and while typical 2 year old morning and bedtime battles can be challenging, I have to remember to live in these beautiful moments and re-live them often when I need a reminder that the days may be long, but the years are too short.

April 1, 2013

Wow, so much time has passed.  I guess I can't be too hard on myself.  Life is busy.  But I do want to be better about capturing it all.  Every last detail.  There is just so much.  I have been savoring it all though - every little thing about pregnancy and about my amazing daughter.  I am finally in my third trimester, 27 weeks, 3 days today.  It is flying so fast, and I know this is my last pregnancy, so I now want it to slow down a bit, plan some more things while it is just us three.  Do some special mama and Lucia things.  Try to enjoy the somewhat predictable routine.  It has become a routine, and I do have more time to myself now than I will for a long time.  It is hard to remember baby Lucia, and I do also anticipate this baby being different/easier than she was.  Things were complicated, and soon they will be but for different reasons.  Now we'll be juggling two children, our own needs, as well as our marriage.  It will be a challenge.  I want to make sure I make the time for Lucia, for our little things that she has become so accustomed to, at least as much as I can.  I'm glad she's flexible, easygoing, so hopefully I can still tuck her in, even if it's a little later on some nights.

Today I'm grateful for a holiday from work on Monday after Easter.  I'll take what I can get.  Weather was gorgeous and we just had a fun day of following her lead, letting the day take us in whatever directions opened up.  It was so enjoyable and I am so blessed to have had this day with her.  I'm exhausted but in the best possible way.  Being a mom is so incredibly tiring but in the most fulfilling way.  I am trying not to dwell on how much I wish I could be a stay at home mom.  Days like this are hard, because it seems natural and perfect and just what I wish I could do every day.  I can't, and I accept that.  I have to work, but of course I wish that, and naturally days like this are a reminder, but I have to just appreciate them and I think I can more readily do so since they are few and far between.  If I were home all the time, I may feel more frazzled and less likely to suck in every precious little second.  I have tomorrow too, and it is such a gift.  I love spending time with my girl.  She is hilarious, so funny.  She says so many things that I wish I could record it all.  She is a giggly chatterbox, makes so many connections about her world around her and every single detail that I am always blown away and forget she is only 2.5, and that she wasn't even talking 6 months ago.  I know she will be an early reader.  She has every book on her shelves memorized and can recite back most of them after a few readings.  She follows words with her finger as she reads, so it is only a matter of time before she makes those connections.  She lately likes to read it herself after I read it, so she recaps the whole book and reads to me.  It's amazing.  She is amazing.  For a child who was barely given a chance of surviving, she is obviously exceptionally smart.  I feel blessed.  I cannot put my joy and pride and love into words.  Being her mom is the most amazing gift and I cannot imagine my life without her.

I am feelings lots of baby movement these days.  Lots.  I wonder now and am trying to compare to Lucia.  She has always been easygoing, champion sleeper.  Hmmm.. and this one wakes me up with kicks.  I am definitely intrigued.  I have no gender leanings, ideas, intuitions.  I am curious to see how different/similar he/she will be to Lucia.  As nervous/anxious as I am about managing two children and balance and all that, I can't wait to see the two of them together and foster a sibling relationship unlike that which I experienced.  I look forward to seeing the two of them grow together.

I hope we can all stay healthy and I will have more time/energy/motivation to write.  These last few weeks I definitely want to capture before things get crazy again.  And I have so much that I want to write down.  I want to remind myself that in a past life, long ago, I was a writer, and there is no better motivation to revisit this pasttime than by capturing my growing family and document each precious detail.

February 7, 2013

Today I feel so emotional, which is not a stretch anymore.  It's hardly unusual.  I think I'm touched every day by the fact that I've been blessed with another baby.  I think I'm feeling overwhelmed by the fact that Lucia will only be my only child for a few more months.  I'm so busy now, I have such a hard time documenting everything she does.  I'm so afraid, in these spurts of learning, of exploding with words, language, that I'll miss something.  Some days I'm caught off guard, because things sneak up on me so quickly.  Somehow she already knows her abc's, can count to 10, knows shapes, animals and sounds, is putting more and more words together, making connections and stringing sentences.  Who is this big girl?  It's hard to believe that she's the same one I worried about so constantly.  She's ahead of some kids her age.  I've always known how smart and how tough she is, persistent, brave, curious.  When she first opened her eyes through dazes of anti-seizure medication, I saw in them alertness, fascination, determination.  She's done nothing but amaze us all as she's grown, and while I was definitely worried a lot of the time, I had a feeling, deep down in my gut that she'd be ok.  Chris and I would always ask each other if she would be ok, and we would reassure each other that she would be.  Neither of us ever gave up, nor did we truly think that she wouldn't come out on top.  It's been a scary, uncertain road, but we both always saw that spark and had that sense of peace that she would be okay.  And here she is at almost 2.5 years old.  She's as much aware as any 2 year old would be when I tell her I have a baby in my tummy.  It's a silly, strange concept.  I'm sure she can't wrap her head around it.  I can't either. 

I wonder if my pregnancy with her was slower.  This is flying by... I feel movement now, and I look pregnant, but it's all snuck up on me.  With this swift passing of time, comes the realization that my baby girl is growing up, and she will be an only for a short period more.  This is a good thing, a great thing, but it's moving into uncertainty after having finally reached a predictable, routine life.  I'm scared.  I feel guilt over not feeling as connected to this pregnancy, probably because I'm afraid of being a mom of two and not being enough, or finding that balance.  I feel terrible over the worry that I won't love enough.  I know I hear from many moms that your heart grows, that your love multiplies, but it's a worry nonetheless.  I hear it's pretty common.  I'm sure we'll settle into it okay, and I know at least I have more time now.  I'm not stretched as thin. 

Lately I go and sit in Lucia's room when she's asleep and watch her and feel overwhelmed by love and pride of her and how far she's come.  I like to watch her still and curled up in her bed, still looking like a baby, tiny and innocent.  Still and quiet, two things she never is when she's awake.  I wish I could climb into bed with her, enjoy a quiet moment of snuggling with just her.  I want to make for all of the time I wasn't around her and I want to savor every last minute of her being my only.  She likes to climb onto my lap every night and curl up tight against me, but she's wiggly and silly, doesn't hold still for more than a few minutes here or there.  I hardly rock her to sleep.  It's just our time.  I hold her head against me and remember my breech baby with her head poking me, shoved up in my ribs.  It wasn't that long ago that she was in my belly.  And for all my fears then, my worries, and all of the joys and tears, I've become a dedicated mom.  I love being a mom, and I would not trade it for anything.  Remembering our snuggle time, when I'm apart from Lucia, reminds me that all of my fears and worries are normal and we'll all be okay.  She always gives me courage, and my love for her reminds me of the depths of my heart's capacity.  I can think of her and realize that we'll all be okay and focus on the blessing of it all. 

February 6, 2013

I am almost halfway there, almost 20 weeks.  Technically I'm more than halfway there; I won't go past 38 weeks.  I had my 2nd trimester screen, and my results are amazing considering I am advanced maternal age. Very little risk of any chromosomal issues.  I also got a good look at the baby for a while.

I wonder about personalities.  Lucia is so silly, so easygoing, so funny.  She's so smart, remembering every word she is told.  Reading books, telling me two, three words at a time.  I love our pre-bedtime cuddles, when she sings in that voice that I could listen to all day, that sweet, soft two year old voice.  She blends together words that she doesn't know but loudly pronounces hard consonants at the end of most words.  She sings Twinkle Twinkle, and subs out "whale" for every other word, she giggles.  She is the sweetest most precious little girl.  I cherish these times with her, and I know she will always be my baby too.  I feel robbed of so many moments with her because I used to be away from home so long for work.  Now I have the gift of all of this time, and I will with baby #2 and it's going to be wonderful.  I just wish I'd had it with her.  I now have so much, and I realize how painfully I've missed her.  I wonder what baby #2 will be like.  I think about the two of them interacting, about Lucia being this big girl helper as she's shown me so far.  She really is growing up so fast, so mature and independent.  But at the end of the day she is my baby, happiest to snuggle on my lap and command me to "sit".  She needs me, her Hello Kitty blanket, a cup of water, and her Wonder Pets book, pink seahorse too, when he fits.  I wonder what their dynamic will be, and I hope they will be fast friends most of the time.  I hope they will look out for each other and be each other's companions.  I want them to have what I don't have with my siblings, and I hope to always encourage that.  As I sit and listen to the baby monitor, Lucia is finally asleep, her white noise frog playing ocean sounds.  The occasional sigh.  I realize she is my baby now and always but soon this monitor will go in a nursery and she will go in a big girl bed.  Time flies so fast, and I'm just glad I have so much more of it these days.

January 24, 2013

Almost 18 weeks pregnant.  This pregnancy is just flying by.  I feel like I had so much more time when I was pregnant with Lucia.  So much time to process, to contemplate, to sit and be still and wait for fetal movement.  Now I'm hard pressed for time.  By the time I leave work, pick up Lucia, go home, eat dinner, do bath/bedtime, I'm wiped out.  I work out some nights and usually just fall asleep on the couch.  I do have a big ultrasound next Tuesday, a growth scan, and I should get some pictures to scan and upload.  As I type this, I feel movement, a little pressure, a fluttering.  And then it stops.  Little hints and gentle reminders that I'm pregnant. 

Lately Lucia has been wanting to be held at night.  I put her in bed and she's upset, wants time with me.  Last night I went to check on her and rub her back but she told me she wanted to be held, to sit in the rocking chair ("sit, mama!") and snuggle.  I could tell it wasn't making her sleepy; she just wanted my company.  At a certain point I have to leave because she has to sleep.  But those moments are so nice.  She's so big to hold on my lap and rock.  But she's still my baby.  I touch her hair and stroke her forehead and I remember it was not too long ago that she was in my belly, and she was breech.  That head was pushed far up in my ribs for the latter part of my pregnancy.  I hold her on my lap, rub her back, and call her baby.  I tell her she's always going to be my baby.  I want her to know that.  She's my little girl, and she always will be.  Her days as an only child are becoming swiftly less and less.  This was her last Christmas as an only child.  I know she'll get jealous, but I don't want her to.  This is why I savor these times when it's just us, and I want to make sure I always make Lucia and me time.  Last night she was snuggled against me and I felt the baby move, and I realized I was rocking both of my babies.  I will have two babies.  I hope that the more I say this and commit it to memory it will truly hit me, though I don't think it will until the baby comes.

It's interesting - how little I read on pregnancy this time around, how I feel like a seasoned pro.  How much more time I have on my hands with a much shorter commute, and yet still, I feel like time is flying so fast.  I hope to capture more of these moments as they go, and I want to share these with my children (!) one day.  I'm trying to make time to write it all down.  Lucia is learning new words every day.  She is so amazing, so independent, so bubbly.  Last night when I got her from Emily's, she ran to the door, calling, "mama!!!", which she never does.  She usually throws her seahorse in my direction and runs off to get her shoes.  It made my day, it made me feel so much love in that moment, I felt my heart would explode.  She will be such a sweet big sister; she already has so much to teach her little brother/sister.  (she's split lately 50/50 on boy or girl when asked).

January 18, 2013

I'm finally starting a new blog, because I want to capture all of the moments that pass so quickly; I'm afraid I'll forget if I don't write them down. 

Lucia is now 2 years, 4 months, and her progress has far surpassed the doctors' expectations.  She is a "normal" kid, I daresay.  She is progressing on track, playing catch up with milestones as she's always done.  Once she finally started talking just after her second birthday, she flew through the alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes.  Picked up word after word, animal sounds.  She picks up phrases, repeats me.  Loves cats - hugging, kissing them, saying "night night".  She is happier to see them than either of us, most times.  She is a joy, so much fun, so silly.  LOVES books, re-reading them to her animals, to me in the car while driving.  She has almost every book memorized, but still she loves to re-read the same books over and over and over.  We finally have a routine after work, pickup at daycare at 5PM which is much earlier than in NJ.  Go home, make dinner, play, eat together, play more, bath time, reading, bed.  She goes to bed by 8PM and is happy to just hang out and sing or sometimes crashes right away.  I have time to myself these days, time for us as a couple.  Time.  And yet I keep neglecting to write.  With a blog, I should have no excuses.  So I will try.  Because now that we've finally gotten a rhythm down, much more time with Lucia, with us, for ourselves, we're expecting baby number two this June.  Everything will change, for the happier but also for the crazier.  It will be wonderful but exhausting. 

So I want this blog to document us, our journey, our children (eek it's crazy to say that), our growing family, as we move into this new phase of our lives.  Buying a house around the same time the baby is due, adjusting to life in the South, becoming 4 and not 3.  Will update with Lucia pics from birth to current day later, from home.