January 10, 2014

Well, the holidays have whirled past us and now we are into the new year.  It doesn't surprise me that I don't have time to write, but I wish I could.  I feel badly.  There are so many moments and thankfully we capture them by photo but I'd love a written account.  I don't want to forget the details, the little things.  Lucia's hilarious these days - tells me to "not even think about it!" when it comes to asking her to take off her beloved pink parka to sit in her seat and eat.  She fights bedtime, lingers at the top of the stairs.  She was sad for an entire week that a little snail we saw through the sliding glass doors had died.  I didn't know how to explain it to her.  I just told her he was crushed.  And she talked about it with a profound sadness and inability to process what it meant, at home and out in the car.  She was truly sad.  She wants to cuddle, snuggle, hug, and kiss, me every night at bedtime - the order changes but she determines it every night.  She is very snuggly and sweet but it all has to be her idea.  Her terms.  She was happy to decorate Daddy's train birthday cakes but wouldn't be told how to use the icing or sprinkles.  It was a big pile of primary colors on top of one car but she was very very proud of it.  She saw the Nutcracker ballet for Christmas and LOVED it, was very well behaved for a three year old.  She loves her little brother and talks about him often.  She tells me she misses me, loves to read the same books over and over.  She is a ball of energy, silliness, doesn't want to share her toys or play WITH us but lets us watch, and sometimes she lets us join, on her terms.  She loves to go see trains with Daddy, loves to sit in the train room and drive them, make him change engines constantly.  We caught her on numerous occasions lying on the floor by the Christmas tree staring at the trains under our tree.  She is beautiful, a little dancer, singer, comedian.  She loves reading food magazines and cookbooks - talking about food, the fact that she's vegetarian, the foods she just LOVES (uses that word yet will not eat said food for me).

And Lorenzo... what a tough holiday he had.  Poor thing started with 103.7 fever on my birthday, 12/22, and was up and down the whole time.  Missed a few of his reflux meds and paid the price with all night screaming sessions into the new year.  Thank goodness that is resolved.  He's back to himself.  I'm cutting out all dairy (almost finished week 2!) and hopefully this will continue to help.  It takes a full 4 weeks to see a difference, for all dairy to be eliminated from myself and from him.  What a big boy... he started eating food and just loves it.  His first was banana which went better than when Lucia had tried it.  He grabbed the spoon and wanted to feed himself.  He couldn't get it fast enough, but of course with his reflux we have to feed him slowly.  He loves sitting up and taking everything in, wants to move about so badly.  He'll see toys and want to get to them.  He grunts, indicating something he just has to have (usually food).  He talks a lot - lots of gagas and daddas.  When he's not suffering in reflux hell, he's such a smily and happy baby.  His smile melts my heart.  He's such a beautiful boy, and I'm so glad he's back to normal.  I know I should work on him sleeping in his room when he's doing better, but I am not in a hurry.  I keep feeling like I should do it.  But he's snuggly.  And I love this stage (not yet mobile and content to cuddle with me in bed.  Lucia stopped a long time ago and I miss it).  And I miss him all day.  So much.  It's good bonding time.  I think we both sleep better even if we are up a lot during the night.  Our sleep feels matched, cozy, we feel in sync with one another.  If he needs comfort, I'm there.  I think after all of the night pain he needs me, he needs to feel secure and cozy.

I am grateful for the time at home.  Even though a lot of it I was beyond sleep deprived and weary, I was happy.  I was so glad to have had all of that time with my family.  I never get good quality uninterrupted, just get to be mom time.  I love it.  I love good stretches where I can just mom and ignore the work stuff.  My true identity and that which drives me is in being a mother.  I felt my life started over then in a way that is so mind blowing.  I wear a necklace that spells "mom" with a heart for the "o".  Lucia EVERY night tells me what it spells, asks me who got it for me "oh yes, I did.  For Mother's day".  and then, "Am I your daughter and you're the mother?"  and then usually is followed by an "I love you" and a big hug.  I treasure this role dearly and I don't take it for granted ever.  I know how blessed I am.  I am so proud to raise these two beauties, to hold them and comfort them, watch them grow, cherish them.  I finally feel a sense of purpose and the craziness and loudness at home, the lack of a real schedule, these things I try to roll with them.  The noise and colors and silliness of kids in the house, it's my life now, and even on days where I feel like I'm going to snap from stress, I try to slow down and remember it, remember moments like Lucia's talking a lot and making connections finally, Lucia's smile, Lorenzo's birth, Lorenzo's smile.  The simple things.  I love my babies.

December 18, 2013

Dear Lorenzo,

Wow, you are getting so big!  Yet they worry you are not gaining enough, always something to worry mommy about.  You are just over 17lbs and 26.50”.  You are ready to try solids, and I know you can’t wait.  You love to eat, and you have been so interested in my eating for a while now.  You want to take my spoon, you are curious in putting everything in your mouth.  I just wish you felt better – I know you have reflux, and it’s hard to see you in pain.  I am going to try eliminating dairy to see if it helps.  I’m glad nursing has been so easy for us.  I know there are always challenges as a mommy, and this is our battle to deal with.  Otherwise, you are doing so well.  You babble so much now – dada, bababa, gagaga, etc.  Lucia loves to talk to you.  You give the most amazing smiles, love your exersaucer.  You’re so curious about how to get around.  You sit up so well and prop up on your hands, try to figure out how to get to that toy just out of reach.  You are bearing weight on your legs and trying so hard to stand.  You need to slow down – you are growing so fast.  You still sleep in our bed, and I’m sure this isn’t ideal for most people, but I love that time.  I love time to snuggle with you, nurse you during the night, cuddle and kiss you.  Comfort you when you wake up.  I will miss this and these months are so short.  Before I know it you’ll be super independent like your sister and won’t want to sleep with us.  I can’t wait to celebrate Christmas with you, and I hope it is a special holiday for our family.  We are so happy you are here.  You make our family feel complete.  I was just looking at pictures from the day you were born, and it’s so amazing.  You were so tiny, so perfect, so healthy.  You are precious.  Your hair is getting blond and your eyes seem to be brown/green.  You are becoming such a little person yourself, little man.  J  I love you so much. 

Love, mama